Its not you... Its me. Confessions of a Judger

My personality type is an ENTJ(Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging). For those of you who haven't taken the Myers Briggs I am what they call  "the executive." Taking the trait as an executive my "primary mode of living is focused externally, where you [I] deal with things rationally and logically. My secondary mode is internal, where [I] take things in primarily via [my] intuition."As a personality junkie I feed off of learning about people and their personality traits and flaws. I, however always forgetful that I have a huge flaw placed in front of me which is I have a big fat J on the end of my personality type; this means that I am a judgmental individual.

It occurred to me on several occasions that I am very judgmental. Due to time I will tell you my most important aha moments of judging...
1) Attending College: I was a very angry person in college. I shunned everyone I knew from my old life and I tried to start a new, this created some personal problems during college. I began to judge people left and right. I thought of myself as a "straight-shooter";I called things like I saw them. In many class discussions I became the devil's advocate. I made people mad.  I enjoyed watching people get emotional over the comments I made.

Looking back the reason why I told things "bluntly", is because I went through an identity crisis in high school and I could never express my feelings as a person until I turned 20. I used all of my emotions to get "back" at people who had the similar personality of my foes from my past. I had a fat chip on my shoulder. This chip made many people dislike me and and the end of college my same judgmental finger ended up being pointed at me.

2) Teaching: Since I moved to Mississippi, I have been incredibly judgmental. My judgement button is on maximum mode. I have hurt many people in my life, but I fear that the people that I have judged the most is living in desolate locations- mentally and physically. I haven't suspended any judgments, in fact I have made more judgments on my community, my friends, and most importantly my students. I have failed at being humble. Instead I have become a negative individual.

The reality is that I need to make a lot of changes for me next year.




Sorry Sufjan.

Looks like someone has a case of the Sundays ...

Humans like tasks or jobs. We function because we are apart of a bigger scheme of the society. Because we are apart of society we feel that it is our duty to contribute to create a better civilization. What I think has gotten in the way of our tasks is our newest 21st century phenomena: complaining.

Teenagers, college students, and yuppies have mastered the skill of complaining. As a college graduate and a prospect of yuppi-ness I have embraced, loved,  and focused on whining. 

Here me out, I am not discrediting or under-valuating anyone's right to complain. In fact, many Buddhists believe that it is important to bathe in your own suffering. Without complaining we would not have any change in the world.  I am just going to reflect on my case of the Sundays.....

It has occurred to Tom that I have a typical Sunday routine. This routine is kind of like the 7 stages of grief.

Stage 1: Shock and Denial

For the most part, I am always with someone Sunday morning. This is because I have to travel a distance to see friends, so it doesn't make sense to drive for one day. When Sunday hits a surge of shock and denial hits, and I am constantly walking around like a chicken with its head cut off. 'Is it Sunday already? What happened to the weekend? Oh, have you started planning for this week?'

Stage 2: Pain and Guilt

After my shock runs off I go into my mini- crisis mode. ' If I don't plan well, my kids are going to suffer. After all, its about the kids and closing the gap.' 

Stage 3:Anger and Bargaining

This is where my pain and guilt fade slip away and I start getting crazy. ' Hey, I could be California if I wanted to be! Aaahhhh!'

Stage 4: Depression, Reflection and Loneliness 

  This is the longest stage.Often times poor Tom or my roommate has to hear my long winded vagina monologues about how when I was in fourth grade I had purpose in life, and now I have no clue what I want to do in the world. As if any fourth grader has true "purpose" except for pooing.

These next stages sometimes happen...

Stage 5: The upward turn

After my monologues I realized that I am a fortunate individual and I start working. I tell myself that I am apart of a system that is broken and that at least I am working for a system instead of complaining. 

Stage 6: Working through

I tell myself that I am functional human being.

Stage 7: Acceptance and Hope

This is where I tell myself that I a fortunate, again. Sometimes I like to play Goapele's "Closer," or some other motivational song. I hear that Disney songs are the way to go.

For now, I will accept and laugh at my 7 stages and I, consequently, will repeat them for the next two Sundays. 

Is it college again? My teacher binge diet

Its crunch time in the state of Mississippi. That's right my students are about to take their state standardize test ( or what I like to call them, the baby lsat). Unfortunately, the school that I teach in is walking a fine type rope between success or failure. This stress has made many people lose hope in their profession, fall into sickness, or have reoccurring nightmares about school.

Recently, to take my mind I off of the stress of state testing  by indulging in the joy of reading. I've been reading this a book about a man who goes on a quest to become the healthiest man alive. So, in honor of my college roots I decided to do the complete opposite of becoming healthy, and I embarked on a one week quest, on what I like to call: the teacher binge diet.

I made a clear effort to eat the following:
-Eat cafeteria food- including hot Cheetos, which according to a recent study to have an addictive ingredient as cocaine(don't quote me on this)
Eat out- 5 times! This is a lot being that there is only 3 restaurants that I live by.
McDonalds- many, iced mocha java drinks
- Daylight Donuts- breakfast- only
-little water
- a lot of coffee- A LOT
-NO FRUIT OR VEGETABLES

Was this a good idea? No, but I wanted to challenge myself! So let me give you a synopsis of my side effects.....

1. Running sucks
In my attempt to run. I became tired and when I heard an ice cream truck I immediately ran to the sound.

2. Crying...
I'm not a huge crier, but I whined the whole week. I felt like I was on a Lifetime movie, with no plot or climax. As a only child I have discovered that I act out my own vagina monologues, so at the end of each of my monologue as slight tear emerged from my eyes.

3. Rap music: I don't know if this my ethnic identity, but for the entire week I only wanted to listen to rap all day. Every day.

4. My students comments: All of my students wanted my food, this is abnormal because they all say that I eat too much "healthy" food. "Daaaaannnng Ms. G you got dat cheeseburger with da bbq on the side."

5. Stomach issues: If your body is used to eating bougie entrees you will have to use the restroom. I  left my class many times..


End results:

I gained two pounds. Good news, that it was only a week.

How do they do it?

My favorite time of the weekday is 3:35. This time is five minutes after they call bus 10, which my last student rides. The reason why this is my favorite time is because I roam the halls and I become the school's official hobo. I loiter different classrooms each day. I check in the literacy room to see if their is food or mints lying around. Often times I vent to different teachers and talk about how it is rough teaching my first year. I mostly do this because I hope that my openness to the art of conversation will lead to me listening to their stories. 


Teacher talk-the good ol' days
I am always in amazement whenever I hear local teachers talk about how our school used to be. They have a tendency to say that "back in the day, kids used to respect school." Everyday, I wonder was there an approximate year that schools became bad? Was it something in the water? Whenever I get the chance I always try to ask them what do they think made the school fall into turmoil and I think the general consensus is.... Bigger class sizes and a lack of teaching assistants. I teacher two block schedules of a total of 53 students.  The crazy thing is my class is still smaller than one teaching team. I don't want to become a preachy, but come on this is ridiculous!


If you give a veteran a cookie (Does anyone remember that book?)....

Even if you do not work in the profession of teaching, the best thing you can do is sit to someone that is far older than you and soak up the fruits of their labor. Loitering gives me the opportunity to hear stories about their successes and failures in life. Veterans also provide great antidotes, like these little biddies:

"A wagon that has no supplies makes the loudest noise"

" A whistling lady and a crowing hen never have a good end."

" There's no difference between an old person [in the 21st century] and a kid. Well except the kid my die earlier and guess who has the last laugh, the old person in the diaper."

Now, I'm not saying everything an older person says is the end all be all, but I think we need to listen to their experience. Because in your twenties ignorance is bliss when you are eating organic fruit, listening to eclectic music, and discussing intellectual topics that you heard on NPR.

Happy Friday's Eve :)

I'm a little late...

In my attempt to imitate my roommates beautifully written philosophical blog I decided that in the end of my first year of teaching in the Mississippi Delta I should enter  the 21st century and enter the blogosphere. I'm excited to write this blog now, then in my first 10 months ( traumatic, yes!) because I can look at my situation as well as my friends and look at it through a reflective lens. So here it goes...

In a nutshell, if I could sum of my year in the Delta in one word that word would be.... Conundrum. I think that this word is fitting because when I moved from California I was placed in front of me a huge riddle that is the Delta. Slowly I been looking at this enigma and I still don't understand what the heck is going on. Sometimes I laugh at the absurdities of human nature and sometimes I cry endless nights because the laughter slowly stops and my emotions seep into a state of torture. As a realist its hard to remain "real" in a place that appears to be far more obscure than Berkeley.

In this state of enigma, there have been many roller coaster moments in teaching. From my classroom looking like a scene that came out of Jumanji to making inspirational Freedom Writer movie montage speeches in my class. In the words of a travel agent, life has been a trip.

Here, I find myself as David looking into Goliath eyes and thinking, 'Are you serious? There is no possible way I can tame this beast. Maybe its best that I take a rain check and call it a day.' The fact of the matter is, Goliath will always be there I guess I have to find the right rock somewhere. Or at least take Goliath out for a martini.